Microdosing Ketamine

I am a deeply traumatized person who has dealt with intrusive thoughts my entire life. I started microdosing ketamine a few days ago, and it’s already helping.

Normally, I deal with these nefarious little brain weasels chittering constantly in my brain, negative self-talk, etc. On top of that, I have cPTSD, am AuDHD, have OCD, Major Depressive Disorder (or is it autistic burnout? still TBD), Anxiety, and deal with multiple autoimmune illnesses, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and severe eosonophilic asthma. So my days are totally unpredictable…except for the constant chattering of those mf’ing brain weasels. THAT, I knew, would always be present. They haunt my dreams frequently. Oh I should also mention here that I’m hyperphantasic, so my dreams are realistic AF with great detail and complexity.

So keep all of that in mind as I tell you that it felt like being under constant assault. Just constant. Disassociative flashbacks have been a constant feature to go with that. It’s EXHAUSTING. Constant onslaught. My memories like little film clips that loop. Good and bad.

I had my first starter dose of ketamine a few days ago. The first day, there were breaks in between the chattering brain weasels, even to the point where I could prepare for the next round and sometimes defend myself against it. 😮 THAT was new! And I liked it.

I started on Wednesday. Last night, I got over an hour of deep sleep. I am usually lucky to get 40 minutes of it, usually less. Most of my time sleeping is spent in REM and Light sleep phases, and therefore, not at all restorative, particularly with what I’m fighting against.

Since yesterday, I’ve felt like I’ve grown a force field to bounce the weasels off when they come a’chatterin’. And when they manage to get through it, Matt Berry shows up as Douglas Reynholm and acts as a security bouncer:

Which is an example of one of the benefits of having hyperphantasia, because Matt Berry is photorealistic in all his glory, and in fact, when he shows up in my mind, he has his current luxuriant hair and beard. I much prefer him as a regular presence, particularly in his defensive role on my behalf, to those motherfuckin’ weasels.

Also, I’m not experiencing my typical self-loathing thoughts. THAT’S NICE!

Anyway, I went to the cannabis dispo today, a new one to me, that I rather liked and intend to frequent. They gave me an entire bag of THC gummies as a welcome gift, which I promptly tested upon my arrival home. They’ve kicked in nicely and my arthritis and fibromyalgia are pushed out for now, but they haven’t let me forgot that once the meds wear off, they’ll be back until my next round of meds. Ever-present, even when I am enjoying some relief.

I remember telling a friend in the early noughties how physically painful it is to exist in this world. Part of my neurodivergence is being a Highly Sensitive Person. I experience physical sensations that accompany my emotions, which can be pleasant, but also very painful. Disabling, even. I was told ever since I could remember that I was too sensitive. I’ve stopped accepting that falsehood for many years now. It’s the system we live under that is not sensitive enough, because it denies human needs, which are human rights. The people who support it allow themselves to become desensitized and to participate in the dehumanization of others. I know this because it was how I was raised, just like so many other “middle class” descendants of European settlers here in the US. It’s part of the national ethos and American Exceptionalism. In order to justify the empire, one must choose to believe its lies.

So as someone who instead chooses to expose the empire’s lies, I end up exposed to a lot of trauma that viewers of mainstream US media that is corporate owned and controlled simply do not. I suffered another breakdown in October, which I discussed in another post here. I’ve had to make significant changes in my life regarding my exposure to further trauma. I’ve been in weekly therapy for years now, and I’m getting ready to do some more EMDR. All of the work I have done to help educate people on my other site and its associated social media have come at great personal cost to my health. So I’ve been restructuring my habits to take better care of myself. This included finally trying ketamine.

I have known about the potential benefits of psychedelic medicine due to personal experiences and reading and following the research on how it treats trauma. I’ve been interested for at least a decade. But one of my sexual assaults resulted with having my drink at a club where I was a regular getting spiked with ketamine. I ended up blacked out but appeared to just be more drunk than usual, and then my friends found me slumped by the toilet and got me to the ER.

There’s more to that story, but I don’t want to go back into details, sorry, but my buzz is too happy. Suffice to say, it’s a contributing experience TO my trauma, so I was scared of how my body would react to it.  If you read my post “Resurrection” from early November 2023, you’ll see that I honestly thought I died October 28, 2023. It turned out to be a massive panic attack. (I’ve been to the cardiologist to verify this.) So since then, I’ve been determined to avoid it happening again, and that’s meant making some big changes, and facing down my fears.

Whenever I have faced down my fears, I’ve often come out better for it. Not always, though. Some fears are legit AF and genuinely merit the brain going into survival mode. But a lot of them, at least mine, have turned out to be paper tigers. And I should have been more rational about the ketamine, because receiving it through a medical provider who helps you dial in your dose and is there to support you through side effects is quite a bit different than some rando rapist dumping some into your drink while you’re on the dance floor with your friends. But refer to the relentless, constant intrusive thoughts with no break and hopefully, you can see how when  you feel constantly threatened, you’re anxious not to bring yourself more harm. But I’m glad that I decided to try it, because so far, this feels life-changing. I hope it keeps working.

I cleaned off the section of my desk with my MIDI keyboard and I’m going to update FL Studio this weekend. I’ve been going through AuDHD frustration loops for a decade trying to produce a whole-ass song at once, including vocals. Why did I think I could just start out doing that? Hubris, maybe? It wasn’t intentionally that, but I guess it’s the feeling of frustration of not knowing and giving up when you can’t just accomplish what you want to do. I’m going to work on producing a simple instrumental track and build my skills up toward the things I can hear in my mind. But I finally got the gusto to clean off the stratification layers of office stuff that I’ve been saying I should and want to do for years. That’s a big step for me, considering how low I’ve been.

Anyway, I wanted to record my thoughts about this, for my own sake, as well as sharing with others who might find it helpful. I only wish I’d faced my fears down sooner and tried this as soon as it was available.