Resurrection.

When you think you’ve had your last conscious thought, that your end has unexpectedly arrived, then wake up the next morning shocked with that outcome, it offers an opportunity to reflect on how you want to proceed, because obviously, how you’ve been doing things is not survivable. At least it did that for me. I got lucky.

I’m resetting and changing the way I’m doing things.

I’ve spent the last week severely limiting my time on social media after several PTSD episodes. I’m committed to spend more time on constructive study and writing and less on Facebook and Twitter.

I’m breaking things down into steps, subtasks, otherwise I get stuck in executive function/shame/disassociative episode spirals. I’m 53, AuDHD with a later in life diagnosis. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome in 1992, and have multiple chronic lifelong illnesses that rendered me disabled in my 30’s. I can’t hold multiple steps in my memory like I used to. I also have Long Covid.

My spouse and teen son are also neurodivergent, and none of us are medicated. We all struggle with our symptoms in various ways. Over the last couple days we have all been using Asana for keeping track of and being accountable to one another for our household/family projects, and I think it is going to work really well for us. I know I need something where I can brain dump thoughts about something I need to do for myself, to prevent forgotten things I’ve agreed to do, including things I’ve promised myself.

The ability to share requests for task help is a great feature too, because I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), and I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and so if I ask for help verbally, I am already expecting all of the reasons I’m going to be told no, because I’m trying to manage my emotions, and that can result in conflicts because I am projecting my anticipated rejection onto the person before they’ve had the opportunity to fully process what they’re being asked. And when your entire family is neurospicy, that means that inevitably, someone is going to forget something they agreed to do. I’m traumatized by past abandonment issues, so being forgotten has a cumulative affect on me, and after repeated episodes of it, I tend to withdraw into my metaphorical hermit crab shell and stop asking. The pain of the rejection is too much to bear on top of my chronic pain issues. Rejection is something I literally feel in my body. So being able to make a digital request and provide links/pictures if needed to help show what I’m thinking or need is a really welcome feature in my life!

I also have music software and equipment I need to use. I’ve had it nearly a decade and have yet to produce anything meaningful with it, outside of the brief intro tune on my short-lived podcast. I’ve been jotting down song ideas and I’ll be putting energy into that.

I bought the authoring software Scrivener and attorney/author Mark Shaw’s book How To Become A Published Author. I’ve recently read his books about Dorothy Kilgallen and Joseph Kennedy, and I like that his legal expertise is included. I’ve been working on a novel and need to keep my focus on it. I could probably get it done by year’s end if I do.

Another thing I’m working on doing is building out a personal five-year plan. I’m not sure what the best software for this is, or if I should write myself a database – something I’ve not done in many years, but it could be interesting to do. It could be useful not just to myself, but others as well. If I do I’ll release it Open Source.

Part of the purpose of this new blog is keeping me accountable to myself with creative work. I hope that if you read it, you get something out of it too.